I Got A Van And The Engine Blew

I got an advance on my taxes and got a $640 van. It drove on the in town test drive. It had the right amount of seats and seat belts.

We go to drive it home and on the interstate not even ten miles away the engine blew.

I am now out $640 and an extra $100 that I didn’t really have to spend on a tow.

I feel like my life is a reality television show or a book of someones bad experiences.



Family Sucks, People Suck

I pay my step sister to bring my girl’s home from school and today she is sick so she can not.

My sister is just sitting at home and refuses to help, the same with my brother. I could call the kids out earlier so that picking them up wont interfere with their days but nope, no can do. They can’t ever help me. I feel like my family just sucks.

My mother is actually taking off work a little early to get them today. This is the first time ever. She has let me know that it is a one time thing and she can’t do this in the future.

I would just walk up to the school if my back wasn’t fractured and giving me this much pain. I might even attempt to walk up there once it warms up.

Right now its super cold here and there is snow and ice everywhere. My son with Sensory Processing Disorder will not walk in the snow and its next to impossible to push a stroller through the snow and use my walker. I can’t even do it with my cane.

Today my littlest can’t stop puking. Leaving the house is not really an option.

I need to get a cheep van. Then I won’t have to rely on anyone and I can just go drive to get them.

Everyone says make them walk but it’s too cold, they’re only in kindergarten and first grade and my first grader is type one diabetic.

This is getting hard. I am making a go fund me to help with a van. I don’t need anything pretty just functional that has enough seats.




Bipolar Lows…

As you know I have recently found out that I am pregnant.

It turns out that I was not very far along and that is why my levels were so low.

I have had a bad past few weeks.

I am extremely sick, not just morning sickness but extreme respiratory flu as well. I have been stuck to the couch not able to do much of anything but try to rest and take care of my children.

I got the stomach flu while I have been sick with this respiratory thing and my kids have it too.

My daughters sugars have gone crazy with all of the medications. She is not herself when her sugars bounce around to extremes.

My son just had his diagnostic appointment with a child psychiatrist and we have found some things out.

  1. He has Sensory Processing Disorder.
  2. Expressive/Receptive speech disorder.
  3. Possibly autism but we can’t finish testing until he is a little bit older.

On top of all of this I just feel like I am loosing it. I have so much going on and my brain is on overload.

Being pregnant they had to try other bipolar meds which didn’t work just to circle around to put me back on the old ones.

With Ziprexa we just don’t know the risks during pregnancy but I also don’t feel like now is a time to stop my meds.

So yeah big down lately, I am sorry that it took so long to get back to everyone.

Thank you for reading.

Some Good News And Some Maybe Bad News

This winter break has been exhausting.

I will start with the good news.

The kids got adopted for Christmas, not literally adopted but in a Christmas spirit way.

A local company adopted my family and had reached out through the school.

The school nurse is close to our family and she asked us to write down our  children’s names, ages, favorite color, clothing sizes, shoe sizes and their hobbies because she had  group whom wanted to adopt a family for the holidays.

I wrote a letter and sent it back.

The week before Christmas we had to pick up the items from the school after we had dropped the older two off.

There was close to sixty packages, all wrapped and labeled.

I bawled my eyes out with tears of joy and we had the biggest Christmas that we have ever had.

The kids were so surprised because they knew that money was tight and that my health is not doing too well. They would have been happy with just Christmas breakfast and spending their dads day off with him.

Money is so tight this year with waiting for SSI and everything and this was just amazing. There are truly some great people out there.

There is some bad news or maybe bad news.

As you know I have had many medical issues.

I had some blood work done to confirm pregnancy. I was beginning to feel okay with the idea. I felt like wow I got this.

Then came the simi-bad news. My progesterone levels aren’t coming up as they should. They are low, I am experiencing mild spotting and cramping on the right side. I have an ultrasound coming up unless I start gushing blood.

I have been in and out of the Emergency Room in major pain feeling like death and just given tylonal.

I am off all of my pain meds, and muscle relaxers. It is hard to function and care for everyone.

This pregnancy might not stick. It may be eptopic, or chemical. This is sad to me. I just got used to the idea and now I don’t know what to think or do.

I have only told my sister-in-laws and my sister. I don’t want to explain how yeah I was pregnant but the baby didn’t make it. I would rather tell in a few months if it all works out and go from there.

My sister had to of told everyone.

My  sister-in-laws are understanding and understand the situation. My sister is the only other person that knew.

The whole time that I have been trying to cope and deal with everything that is going on I have had almost everyone in my family harass me, telling me that they know I am pregnant and that my sister told my brother whom told everyone else.

I can not trust anyone anymore. I feel completely betrayed. I feel like I am going to break down every time that someone asks me or tells me that I’m pregnant.

I am trying my best to stay strong for my family. It’s just so hard and some people are being really nasty.

I am thankful that I became pregnant, many people try to try and can not conceive. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a new mother once over again if this pregnancy lasts.

Expecting The Unexpected

I just found out some terrifying, scary, happy, confusing, worst timing news.

I am pregnant.

completely unexpected.

My husband and I are only “active” every thirty to forty-five days.

I went in to the OBGYN’s office yesterday to get to the bottom of my irregular periods, cystic acne, painful intercourse, facial hair and some other symptoms.

I might have had a hormonal imbalance and needed birth control but the issue is I have a hard time with the only two options that I have for birth control. I can’t have any devices implanted or any IUDs because of the Pyoderma Gangrenousm. The shot and the mini pill turn me into a crazy person. I was ready to beg to get my tubes tied knowing that It might ulcerate out with the Pyoderma.

They did a routine urine sample and everything else.

The urine sample came back pregnant.

I was in complete shock. I started tearing up and since I haven’t been able to stop.

I was done having babies, and my husband and I were in agreement on this.

We are both in a weird happy sad confused state right now.

I have got rid of everything baby related that I had because we were done.

I need to buy everything completely new or find some second-hand options.

I really hope that I am only having one because I only have room in our minivan for one more. So if I am having multiples then we need a bigger van.

We are not sure about how far along I am. I had a blood test and have to have another on Friday to see how far.

I have had some symptoms but all have been easily explainable for possibly other things.

I have been really sick to my stomach but my whole family just had the stomach flu.

I have been really tired but my fibro makes me super tired.

The heartburn has been unbearable lately but I just thought that I was having some weird side effect from one of my many medications.

I was not prepared, I am still processing and I am really worried.

This will be both high risk for both baby and me, labor will be different because of all of my health issues, I am almost guaranteed some bed rest, I have to stop one medication and stop many more over the next few months before they hurt my baby and I have to prepare to have a fifth child.

I know every baby is a blessing, but this is just really bad timing.

I feel like I can only speak to my husband and his side of the family about this because my whole family will flip and talk so much crap and put me down and it sucks.

They will find out eventually when I am huger or come home with a baby but I really don’t want to hear their crap.

I will probably start blogging about pregnancy related things for a while and how my pregnancy goes with my back being broken, my PG, and everything else that is wrong with me.

I have an appointment two hours away tomorrow about my pyoderma so I hope that I will get more answers about how it will affect my pregnancy and unborn child.

Thank you for being here and listing.

Thank you for reading.

When Family Can’t Even Be Family

I still try.

I babysit for my sister so she can go to school or go out.

I have my husband pick up things on the way home for anyone that asks.

I help in any way that I can.

We try to take grandma out to the store and stuff.

I try to visit my mother and step father.

I try to make plans with my father and step mother as well.

I always get shot down or bailed on.

I can only rely on  my husband for anything.

We live so close to my family. I should be able to see them once a week.

I will sometimes ask for little things or help with something but nobody can.

Everyone is too busy with work or school or their kids.

If tell them that I have things that I have to do when they want help then they get angry and are just mean, I will be called lazy or other things that I know in my heart is wrong.

I will always be the black sheep.

I feel bad.

We live so close to all of my side of the family but honestly it seems like they live so far away.

I am debating on up and moving near my husband’s family, who calls all the time just to visit, checks in on us, and loves us.

They feel like my real family.

I wish that we could move and live near them.

They live in a different  state.

My husband has sacrificed so much on this mission that I have to try to repair my family.

I think I need to stop trying and start worrying about me and my husband and children.

If we move it will be six hours away, and we would have family.

I feel like I really need family right now but mine just isn’t really here.

If we move I will have to find a whole new team of doctors and apply for Medicaid there. I would have to find a new endocrinologist and a new school system for my children. I would have to find a new psychiatrist, a new therapist for myself and two of my children.

I want to move.

It seems so hard.