When Family Can’t Even Be Family

I still try.

I babysit for my sister so she can go to school or go out.

I have my husband pick up things on the way home for anyone that asks.

I help in any way that I can.

We try to take grandma out to the store and stuff.

I try to visit my mother and step father.

I try to make plans with my father and step mother as well.

I always get shot down or bailed on.

I can only rely on  my husband for anything.

We live so close to my family. I should be able to see them once a week.

I will sometimes ask for little things or help with something but nobody can.

Everyone is too busy with work or school or their kids.

If tell them that I have things that I have to do when they want help then they get angry and are just mean, I will be called lazy or other things that I know in my heart is wrong.

I will always be the black sheep.

I feel bad.

We live so close to all of my side of the family but honestly it seems like they live so far away.

I am debating on up and moving near my husband’s family, who calls all the time just to visit, checks in on us, and loves us.

They feel like my real family.

I wish that we could move and live near them.

They live in a different  state.

My husband has sacrificed so much on this mission that I have to try to repair my family.

I think I need to stop trying and start worrying about me and my husband and children.

If we move it will be six hours away, and we would have family.

I feel like I really need family right now but mine just isn’t really here.

If we move I will have to find a whole new team of doctors and apply for Medicaid there. I would have to find a new endocrinologist and a new school system for my children. I would have to find a new psychiatrist, a new therapist for myself and two of my children.

I want to move.

It seems so hard.


22 thoughts on “When Family Can’t Even Be Family

  1. If you are really wanting to move, would your doctors not have contacts or be able to refer you to doctors in the new state you would like to move to? Also it sounds as though you would have a load of help from your husband’s family. That makes any difficulties that may arise surmountable. Love is so easy, but it is so hard to break free from toxicity. I wish you all the luck in the decision you make.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Move!! You and your family deserves to have a good life. Family isn’t always just blood. It’s the one who’s there not only when they need you… Change can be scary , but also the best thing you have ever done. Be more selfish now❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. The thing with greener grasses is, the farther away they are, the greener they appear. I know this from looking at my lawn in the summertime. From a distance, it looks like I can garden. It’s only when you are standing in crab grass ankle-deep that the truth is revealed.

    There are no easy answers is the only thing I know for sure. Making decisions and following through has a certain cathartic appeal. “Let’s just throw everything away and start fresh.” I feel this way whenever I look at the many, many piles of crap in my life that need sorting: the broken iPhone that needs to have a code released so we can unselect the ‘find your phone’ function otherwise it can’t be fixed, or what about the boxes that I haven’t unpacked from a two-year-ago move? Sometimes I just wish a giant fire would come and remove all the things I can feel waiting for me to deal with them. *Dear Universe, please don’t take this as a literal suggestion, thank you.*

    Walking away from it all also sounds doable in my darkest hour. And there are worse thoughts on the very not-so-good days. But, there is tomorrow to see to first and so I go on.

    I’m not sure any of this blather is saying much of anything. My thirteen-year-old son has stopped sleeping through the night and it is effecting my ability to form coherent thoughts and cogent sentences. (Or vice versa, maybe.) I used the word ‘Library’ when I meant “Laundry Room” today. “I am going to the library to fold books.” I am a disconnected mess. But, I recognize when someone else is having a similarly (if different) bad time. I hail you and hope that help comes soon. I’ll cling to my floating raft waiting for aid. I hope you can hang on until a decision becomes clearer or help arrives.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. You have a lot of obstacles, it sounds like. It also sounds like blogging is helping you as well. We moved my mom from Oregon to CA, without any change in medicare or medicaid. Probably your doctor’s office or the social security department can help you. Things do change from state to state, but there are services to help you. Thanks for following my blog. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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