Family Sucks, People Suck

I pay my step sister to bring my girl’s home from school and today she is sick so she can not.

My sister is just sitting at home and refuses to help, the same with my brother. I could call the kids out earlier so that picking them up wont interfere with their days but nope, no can do. They can’t ever help me. I feel like my family just sucks.

My mother is actually taking off work a little early to get them today. This is the first time ever. She has let me know that it is a one time thing and she can’t do this in the future.

I would just walk up to the school if my back wasn’t fractured and giving me this much pain. I might even attempt to walk up there once it warms up.

Right now its super cold here and there is snow and ice everywhere. My son with Sensory Processing Disorder will not walk in the snow and its next to impossible to push a stroller through the snow and use my walker. I can’t even do it with my cane.

Today my littlest can’t stop puking. Leaving the house is not really an option.

I need to get a cheep van. Then I won’t have to rely on anyone and I can just go drive to get them.

Everyone says make them walk but it’s too cold, they’re only in kindergarten and first grade and my first grader is type one diabetic.

This is getting hard. I am making a go fund me to help with a van. I don’t need anything pretty just functional that has enough seats.



My Kids Have So Many Doctors Appointments

So my oldest is diabetic. She goes in every other month for that. She just had her 7 year-old check up and is being refered out to a childrens psychiatrist.

I guess anxiety runs in the family and thats mostlikly why she has problems sleeping.

For me its like my mind can’t turn off.

For her it is pretty much the same.

I am so anxious for this appointment.

Before this she was taking melatonin and got up to 3mg. Which is an adult dose.

Hopefully when we get her anxiety under control she will sleep better. She goes to bed right after her long lasting insullin shot at 7pm and doesn’t fall asleep until around 2am and she has to be up by 6am on school days. She doesn’t nap either.

So hopefully that will help.

Also my youngest has so many appointments but his upcoming one is for speech therapy.

I am so anxious for this, I want to know all that I can to help my 17 month old communicate better.

He used to speak and then he stopped. That is what is so worrying.

With him now being non verbal, having tons of aggression when I don’t¬† know what he wants, freaking out with sounds, dislikes textures, does NOT like being touched, hates being dirty, and flails his arms while running in a circle before a fit, along with extreme headbutting, we are looking at something in the autism spectrum.

He is a happy boy until he isn’t and then everything goes downhill fast and he hurts himself.

So far he is too young for a definitive diagnosis.

We have found a tap to talk app which helps him communicate when he wants to use it. It helps with the aggression from not being able to communicate but he still has meltdowns when his siblings hug him or family members try to hold him or hug or kiss him, when he gets dirty, when he poops, and other stuff.

Now I’m just waiting for these appointments.

Being The Outsider In Your Own Life 

I used to be a social butterfly, I had so many friends, I could work, I could focus on school, and I was a supermom.

Now I don’t have many friends, aside from my husband and children my family doesn’t want much to do with me anymore, I can’t hold a job, I’ve dropped out of college, and I hardly leave the house unless its for doctors appointments or to get groceries. I can’t take the kids to the park or the mall, we don’t go out to anything.

All of my life I have had depression and anxiety. I had a tough childhood and got kicked out of my house at 15.

When I was younger I could do anything. I enrolled myself in highschool, I worked overnights so I would have somewhere to sleep at night and money to feed myself. I had straight A’s in highschool. I pushed myself so hard because I was all that I had.

When I was 17 I met the love of my life. We had known each other for a while before that but we didn’t really know eachother until we started hanging out. When we first kissed we both knew that we were soul mates. We have been inseparable since then.
I was staying with a cousin, drinking and making poor decisions and after I met my husband I never left his house. I stayed over so many times that his mother let me move in. I had a job and continued to go to school.

We got pregnant and had our first child when I was 18 almost 19. I then became a stay at home mom. We had our second a year later, our third almost 2 years later and our last almost 3 years after.

I started college after our 3rd child and continued until I was 8 months pregnant with our last.

I had developed many health issued between my 3rd and 4th pregnancy, hypothyroidism, insomnia, chronic bronchitis,  reoccurring strep throat, arthritis, IBS and I was just always sick.

When I was really pregnant with my last my grandmother passed away. It hurt so bad because she was someone who was always there for me.

I ended up having a small mental breakdown. I couldn’t focus on school, I was just week and sick all the time and I couldn’t function. I dropped my classes and tried to focus on healing. But since then everything went downhill.

My husband has been there through it all. And its been rough.

After my son was born I had been diagnosed with a staph infection in my breast and the bipolar symptoms really started up. I couldn’t breastfeed after 6 months because of the infection. I eventually saw dermatology and found out that it had been hidradenitis suppurativa all along. I was still constantly tired and sick.

I had planned on weight loss surgery, a breast reduction, surgery to have my tubes tied and to have my tonsils removed.

Then my breast exploded I developed  pyoderma gangrenosum. I can’t have any surgeries until its been healed for 12 months.

I since then had C-Diff for 4 months, fractured my back, developed a pars defect,and degenerative disks, then I was diagnosed with fibromialgia and celiac disease.

I am just so sick all of the time and in so much pain. My parents don’t visit me, my siblings don’t come around much and my friends arent involved unless I’m on social media.

I’m the outsider.  Life keeps going on no matter how sick I get. Everyone stopped caring after the first few illnesses.

I’ve been called a hypochondriac, and the little boy who cried wolf, by someone close to me. She had also told everyone at the last family dinner at her house not to let me help cook because I am covered in infectious disease.

Nothing that I have is contagious in any way but I am constantly made to feel like everything is, like I am a walking plague.

I am lucky that I have my husband and our children because without them I would have thrown in the towel long ago.

My Diabetic Child

My oldest is Diabetic.

She is only six almost seven years old. She was diagnosed about seven months ago.

Her behavior changed, she didn’t like anything anymore and she eventually quit eating and started having accidents after being fully potty trained since age one.

We brushed it off because we had just moved to a new town, she started at a new school and she was just going through a lot at the time.

She wouldn’t eat and we started her on children’s meal shakes and took her to the doctor. He told us that she was fine, maybe she had a virus or she was just faking sick to stay home. He did no blood work and did not really examine her much.

We went home and sent her to school the next day.

The first day back at school we get the call from the nurse about an hour after she had arrived, our daughter fell at school, she couldn’t walk and was shaking violently. We picked her up and she was dehydrated because we couldn’t get her to drink anything. I immediately chose to take her to the pediatric hospital instead of going back to the doctor who did nothing before.

We get to the pediatric hospital, the doctor and nursing staff all surround her. We were freaking out but trying to remain stong and calm. They started an iv and the doctor examined her.

The doctor left and came back in less than a minute. She pulled us aside and began to explain to us that she believes that our daughter is diabetic and that they are going to do some blood work.

Our daughter moaned and cried, she screamed for them to take the ivs out. I layed in her bed and held her until she fell asleep.

The doctor returned and told us that our daughter is in fact diabetic. That we would have a busy next few months and that our daughter would be staying awhile in the hospital. We got moved up to a room after they had administered insulin and got her sugar under 1000.

Over the course of the next few days we met with an endocrinologist,  a dietician, and multiple pediatric doctors. We had to be educated and fast with everything going on.

We learned that we would be administering insulin and glycogen, that we would have to count carbs for every meal and that we would have to check her sugars before meals and often, we learned what keytones are and how to check for them and what to do if our daughter has them.

Our lives forever changed.

We learned how to eat better. I got over my needle fear fast because I was constantly giving shots. We started to get our whole household on a low carb diet. We got to leave the hospital and go home after they felt that we learned everything that we would need to know.

Now our daughter checks her own blood sugars, likes to administer the shots, and even counts carbs.

Our daughter had to mature fast and it shows. She acts like a little adult now. She is a survivor.

We still have obstacles, but we are stronger and confident that we can get through them.