Family Sucks, People Suck

I pay my step sister to bring my girl’s home from school and today she is sick so she can not.

My sister is just sitting at home and refuses to help, the same with my brother. I could call the kids out earlier so that picking them up wont interfere with their days but nope, no can do. They can’t ever help me. I feel like my family just sucks.

My mother is actually taking off work a little early to get them today. This is the first time ever. She has let me know that it is a one time thing and she can’t do this in the future.

I would just walk up to the school if my back wasn’t fractured and giving me this much pain. I might even attempt to walk up there once it warms up.

Right now its super cold here and there is snow and ice everywhere. My son with Sensory Processing Disorder will not walk in the snow and its next to impossible to push a stroller through the snow and use my walker. I can’t even do it with my cane.

Today my littlest can’t stop puking. Leaving the house is not really an option.

I need to get a cheep van. Then I won’t have to rely on anyone and I can just go drive to get them.

Everyone says make them walk but it’s too cold, they’re only in kindergarten and first grade and my first grader is type one diabetic.

This is getting hard. I am making a go fund me to help with a van. I don’t need anything pretty just functional that has enough seats.



Bipolar Lows…

As you know I have recently found out that I am pregnant.

It turns out that I was not very far along and that is why my levels were so low.

I have had a bad past few weeks.

I am extremely sick, not just morning sickness but extreme respiratory flu as well. I have been stuck to the couch not able to do much of anything but try to rest and take care of my children.

I got the stomach flu while I have been sick with this respiratory thing and my kids have it too.

My daughters sugars have gone crazy with all of the medications. She is not herself when her sugars bounce around to extremes.

My son just had his diagnostic appointment with a child psychiatrist and we have found some things out.

  1. He has Sensory Processing Disorder.
  2. Expressive/Receptive speech disorder.
  3. Possibly autism but we can’t finish testing until he is a little bit older.

On top of all of this I just feel like I am loosing it. I have so much going on and my brain is on overload.

Being pregnant they had to try other bipolar meds which didn’t work just to circle around to put me back on the old ones.

With Ziprexa we just don’t know the risks during pregnancy but I also don’t feel like now is a time to stop my meds.

So yeah big down lately, I am sorry that it took so long to get back to everyone.

Thank you for reading.

Expecting The Unexpected

I just found out some terrifying, scary, happy, confusing, worst timing news.

I am pregnant.

completely unexpected.

My husband and I are only “active” every thirty to forty-five days.

I went in to the OBGYN’s office yesterday to get to the bottom of my irregular periods, cystic acne, painful intercourse, facial hair and some other symptoms.

I might have had a hormonal imbalance and needed birth control but the issue is I have a hard time with the only two options that I have for birth control. I can’t have any devices implanted or any IUDs because of the Pyoderma Gangrenousm. The shot and the mini pill turn me into a crazy person. I was ready to beg to get my tubes tied knowing that It might ulcerate out with the Pyoderma.

They did a routine urine sample and everything else.

The urine sample came back pregnant.

I was in complete shock. I started tearing up and since I haven’t been able to stop.

I was done having babies, and my husband and I were in agreement on this.

We are both in a weird happy sad confused state right now.

I have got rid of everything baby related that I had because we were done.

I need to buy everything completely new or find some second-hand options.

I really hope that I am only having one because I only have room in our minivan for one more. So if I am having multiples then we need a bigger van.

We are not sure about how far along I am. I had a blood test and have to have another on Friday to see how far.

I have had some symptoms but all have been easily explainable for possibly other things.

I have been really sick to my stomach but my whole family just had the stomach flu.

I have been really tired but my fibro makes me super tired.

The heartburn has been unbearable lately but I just thought that I was having some weird side effect from one of my many medications.

I was not prepared, I am still processing and I am really worried.

This will be both high risk for both baby and me, labor will be different because of all of my health issues, I am almost guaranteed some bed rest, I have to stop one medication and stop many more over the next few months before they hurt my baby and I have to prepare to have a fifth child.

I know every baby is a blessing, but this is just really bad timing.

I feel like I can only speak to my husband and his side of the family about this because my whole family will flip and talk so much crap and put me down and it sucks.

They will find out eventually when I am huger or come home with a baby but I really don’t want to hear their crap.

I will probably start blogging about pregnancy related things for a while and how my pregnancy goes with my back being broken, my PG, and everything else that is wrong with me.

I have an appointment two hours away tomorrow about my pyoderma so I hope that I will get more answers about how it will affect my pregnancy and unborn child.

Thank you for being here and listing.

Thank you for reading.

When Family Can’t Even Be Family

I still try.

I babysit for my sister so she can go to school or go out.

I have my husband pick up things on the way home for anyone that asks.

I help in any way that I can.

We try to take grandma out to the store and stuff.

I try to visit my mother and step father.

I try to make plans with my father and step mother as well.

I always get shot down or bailed on.

I can only rely on  my husband for anything.

We live so close to my family. I should be able to see them once a week.

I will sometimes ask for little things or help with something but nobody can.

Everyone is too busy with work or school or their kids.

If tell them that I have things that I have to do when they want help then they get angry and are just mean, I will be called lazy or other things that I know in my heart is wrong.

I will always be the black sheep.

I feel bad.

We live so close to all of my side of the family but honestly it seems like they live so far away.

I am debating on up and moving near my husband’s family, who calls all the time just to visit, checks in on us, and loves us.

They feel like my real family.

I wish that we could move and live near them.

They live in a different  state.

My husband has sacrificed so much on this mission that I have to try to repair my family.

I think I need to stop trying and start worrying about me and my husband and children.

If we move it will be six hours away, and we would have family.

I feel like I really need family right now but mine just isn’t really here.

If we move I will have to find a whole new team of doctors and apply for Medicaid there. I would have to find a new endocrinologist and a new school system for my children. I would have to find a new psychiatrist, a new therapist for myself and two of my children.

I want to move.

It seems so hard.

My “Childhood”

I didn’t really have much of a childhood.

I took care of my siblings, cooked and cleaned. We were often left alone. I was the parent from a young age on.

My parents split when I was twelve. I went to live with my father and visited my mother sometimes and my siblings went back and forth equal times.

My mother couldn’t stand me and every visit would end the same. She would tell me that she hated me and I would be dumped off at my fathers.

At my fathers I was the maid and the cook, the live in nanny for my siblings. I was still alone 90% of the time that my siblings were gone.

I could go anywhere or do anything, I did not have rules, bedtime or a curfew. I wanted structure badly. Excelled in school, and always tried to be the best that I could be.

I was alone craving attention,  affection, love and companionship.

I loved my parents but often felt as though I was their burden.

To my mother I was the reason that she ever stayed with my father and she hated me for it.

To my father I was like a roommate.

I was alone.

At 15 I was kicked out, my mother had married and didn’t have room for me, my father started a serious relationship that led to his marriage and there was not room there either.

I enrolled myself in highschool and maintained perfect attendance and a 4.0 GPA. I loved the positive attention from my teachers.

I worked overnight so that I could sleep in my break room before work and on break. In the mornings I would sleep at school for an hour before it started. I walked everywhere that I went. I was too young to get an apartment so I was homeless.

I did go through a year phase where I started dating and I went threw guys like crazy. I let them use me and in return I’d have a roof over my head. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t think that I would amount to anything.

Then one day I started talking to the man who I am married to.

He changed my whole world. He treated me like a goddess and wanted me for me, not my body or what I could do for him but just for me.

About 8 years ago he changed my world for the better and I am forever grateful.


Our NICU Story Seven Years Ago

Our story is different. Our daughter wasnt premature, she didn’t have any predicted problems and being placed in the NICU was a total surprise.
Our daughter was born in October 2010 and exactly at 10pm. I was induced and in labor for 16 hours. I had her at 41 weeks. It was a vaginal delivery and my first. She was 8lbs 3.5oz. Way bigger than we thought. She was really dark when she arrived. Both my husband and myself are white  with some native american. She had jaundice and a dangerous bilirubin level. Her blood sugars were low and she was sent to the NICU shortly after birth. I had a ton of stitches from an unwanted epiesiotimy and I still spent 95% of my time with her in the nicu. I was discharged after 3 days but my daughter had to stay a whole week in the NICU. We slept there with her. Took turns who slept in the chair and who used the roll out cot. We held her as much as we could. We tried breastfeeding but had to formula supplement to get her sugar level to a normal level. We had amazing nurses and we learned how to weigh each diaper, check temps, and help with everything. We wanted to be included as much as possible. We were so scared because the NICU is for extremely sick babies and we weren’t sure what was really going on, we were only 18 and 19 years old. She was the largest baby in the NICU, the didn’t have any clothes up there that fit her and she was almost too large for the basinett. We had her clothed from day 2 on. We kept dressing her in cute outfits to lift everyone’s spirits. We had no idea what to expect. She was our first. After discharge we still had to go in for blood work 2 or 3 times. She was breastfed for 3 months and eventually switched to formula.  Now she is 7 years old. In February  this year she was diagnosed with type one diabetes we had a two-week hospital stay and learned how to take care of her with diabetes. Other than that she is completely healthy. We have three other children all younger but she was our only NICU baby.

If Somebody Can’t Love You At Your Worst They Do Not Deserve You At Your Best.

Today I feel as though the world is closing in.

My husband will be home soon to help me through this.

I am in major pain.

The most amazing man will be home to take care of me.

My daughter is having crazy blood sugars.

My husband called the doctors for her last night to get her a changed dose.

My anxiety is through the roof, with my daughters blood sugar going all crazy, the school meeting that I have tonight, my volunteer work this weekend.

He must be crazy too because he is helping with it all.

I am going through a “down” period with my bipolar.

He is here with me texting me all day when he can to check on me.

I don’t want to do anything.


He makes me want to do things.

I am really sick, always in pain, overweight, balding, and health-wise nothing is seeming to get better.

He still loves me, tells me that I am beautiful, helps me to the toilet and shower when I need it.

He gets me out of the house on his days off just so that I can have some fresh air.

I love him with all of my heart and soul.

I am so thankful for him.