Family Sucks, People Suck

I pay my step sister to bring my girl’s home from school and today she is sick so she can not.

My sister is just sitting at home and refuses to help, the same with my brother. I could call the kids out earlier so that picking them up wont interfere with their days but nope, no can do. They can’t ever help me. I feel like my family just sucks.

My mother is actually taking off work a little early to get them today. This is the first time ever. She has let me know that it is a one time thing and she can’t do this in the future.

I would just walk up to the school if my back wasn’t fractured and giving me this much pain. I might even attempt to walk up there once it warms up.

Right now its super cold here and there is snow and ice everywhere. My son with Sensory Processing Disorder will not walk in the snow and its next to impossible to push a stroller through the snow and use my walker. I can’t even do it with my cane.

Today my littlest can’t stop puking. Leaving the house is not really an option.

I need to get a cheep van. Then I won’t have to rely on anyone and I can just go drive to get them.

Everyone says make them walk but it’s too cold, they’re only in kindergarten and first grade and my first grader is type one diabetic.

This is getting hard. I am making a go fund me to help with a van. I don’t need anything pretty just functional that has enough seats.

 

https://www.gofundme.com/b3j6u2-needing-a-vehicle

 

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Bipolar Lows…

As you know I have recently found out that I am pregnant.

It turns out that I was not very far along and that is why my levels were so low.

I have had a bad past few weeks.

I am extremely sick, not just morning sickness but extreme respiratory flu as well. I have been stuck to the couch not able to do much of anything but try to rest and take care of my children.

I got the stomach flu while I have been sick with this respiratory thing and my kids have it too.

My daughters sugars have gone crazy with all of the medications. She is not herself when her sugars bounce around to extremes.

My son just had his diagnostic appointment with a child psychiatrist and we have found some things out.

  1. He has Sensory Processing Disorder.
  2. Expressive/Receptive speech disorder.
  3. Possibly autism but we can’t finish testing until he is a little bit older.

On top of all of this I just feel like I am loosing it. I have so much going on and my brain is on overload.

Being pregnant they had to try other bipolar meds which didn’t work just to circle around to put me back on the old ones.

With Ziprexa we just don’t know the risks during pregnancy but I also don’t feel like now is a time to stop my meds.

So yeah big down lately, I am sorry that it took so long to get back to everyone.

Thank you for reading.

When Family Can’t Even Be Family

I still try.

I babysit for my sister so she can go to school or go out.

I have my husband pick up things on the way home for anyone that asks.

I help in any way that I can.

We try to take grandma out to the store and stuff.

I try to visit my mother and step father.

I try to make plans with my father and step mother as well.

I always get shot down or bailed on.

I can only rely on  my husband for anything.

We live so close to my family. I should be able to see them once a week.

I will sometimes ask for little things or help with something but nobody can.

Everyone is too busy with work or school or their kids.

If tell them that I have things that I have to do when they want help then they get angry and are just mean, I will be called lazy or other things that I know in my heart is wrong.

I will always be the black sheep.

I feel bad.

We live so close to all of my side of the family but honestly it seems like they live so far away.

I am debating on up and moving near my husband’s family, who calls all the time just to visit, checks in on us, and loves us.

They feel like my real family.

I wish that we could move and live near them.

They live in a different  state.

My husband has sacrificed so much on this mission that I have to try to repair my family.

I think I need to stop trying and start worrying about me and my husband and children.

If we move it will be six hours away, and we would have family.

I feel like I really need family right now but mine just isn’t really here.

If we move I will have to find a whole new team of doctors and apply for Medicaid there. I would have to find a new endocrinologist and a new school system for my children. I would have to find a new psychiatrist, a new therapist for myself and two of my children.

I want to move.

It seems so hard.

My “Childhood”

I didn’t really have much of a childhood.

I took care of my siblings, cooked and cleaned. We were often left alone. I was the parent from a young age on.

My parents split when I was twelve. I went to live with my father and visited my mother sometimes and my siblings went back and forth equal times.

My mother couldn’t stand me and every visit would end the same. She would tell me that she hated me and I would be dumped off at my fathers.

At my fathers I was the maid and the cook, the live in nanny for my siblings. I was still alone 90% of the time that my siblings were gone.

I could go anywhere or do anything, I did not have rules, bedtime or a curfew. I wanted structure badly. Excelled in school, and always tried to be the best that I could be.

I was alone craving attention,  affection, love and companionship.

I loved my parents but often felt as though I was their burden.

To my mother I was the reason that she ever stayed with my father and she hated me for it.

To my father I was like a roommate.

I was alone.

At 15 I was kicked out, my mother had married and didn’t have room for me, my father started a serious relationship that led to his marriage and there was not room there either.

I enrolled myself in highschool and maintained perfect attendance and a 4.0 GPA. I loved the positive attention from my teachers.

I worked overnight so that I could sleep in my break room before work and on break. In the mornings I would sleep at school for an hour before it started. I walked everywhere that I went. I was too young to get an apartment so I was homeless.

I did go through a year phase where I started dating and I went threw guys like crazy. I let them use me and in return I’d have a roof over my head. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t think that I would amount to anything.

Then one day I started talking to the man who I am married to.

He changed my whole world. He treated me like a goddess and wanted me for me, not my body or what I could do for him but just for me.

About 8 years ago he changed my world for the better and I am forever grateful.

 

If Somebody Can’t Love You At Your Worst They Do Not Deserve You At Your Best.

Today I feel as though the world is closing in.

My husband will be home soon to help me through this.

I am in major pain.

The most amazing man will be home to take care of me.

My daughter is having crazy blood sugars.

My husband called the doctors for her last night to get her a changed dose.

My anxiety is through the roof, with my daughters blood sugar going all crazy, the school meeting that I have tonight, my volunteer work this weekend.

He must be crazy too because he is helping with it all.

I am going through a “down” period with my bipolar.

He is here with me texting me all day when he can to check on me.

I don’t want to do anything.

 

He makes me want to do things.

I am really sick, always in pain, overweight, balding, and health-wise nothing is seeming to get better.

He still loves me, tells me that I am beautiful, helps me to the toilet and shower when I need it.

He gets me out of the house on his days off just so that I can have some fresh air.

I love him with all of my heart and soul.

I am so thankful for him.

The Washer Had To Break Today

This morning I washed my blanket. 

Put it in the washer, added soap and started it like normal.

The washer washed mostly, then it started to smell and smoke. 

The inside wouldn’t spin the clothes out and fried trying. 

It was a normal sized load and everything. 

It still broke. 

The water has since run out of the bottom of the washer, my bathroom is soaked and now we don’t have a washer. 

I can’t afford a new washer. 

I will probably end up washing clothes by hand until we find a free used washer. 

Just to add to the stress this had to happen. 

Today’s Fibro Flare

I feel a heartbeat all throughout my entire body.

I feel my skin, muscles and bones pulsating.

I feel pain everywhere.

I can just lay here and hope that it passes soon.

I am too dizzy to stand or walk.

I am too warm to sleep.

I am too shaky to eat.

I am just stuck.

The pain lasts for hours and sometimes days.

The heartbeat feeling is my blood pressure spiking to a dangerous level.

The pulsating that I am feel hurts so bad.

I want to get up and get my stuff done.

I want to be able to take a nap.

It would be nice to be able to keep something down.

Fibro flares are no joke.

These “flares” or “attacks” are becoming more and more frequent.

What am I going to do if the next one doesn’t end.