When Family Can’t Even Be Family

I still try.

I babysit for my sister so she can go to school or go out.

I have my husband pick up things on the way home for anyone that asks.

I help in any way that I can.

We try to take grandma out to the store and stuff.

I try to visit my mother and step father.

I try to make plans with my father and step mother as well.

I always get shot down or bailed on.

I can only rely on  my husband for anything.

We live so close to my family. I should be able to see them once a week.

I will sometimes ask for little things or help with something but nobody can.

Everyone is too busy with work or school or their kids.

If tell them that I have things that I have to do when they want help then they get angry and are just mean, I will be called lazy or other things that I know in my heart is wrong.

I will always be the black sheep.

I feel bad.

We live so close to all of my side of the family but honestly it seems like they live so far away.

I am debating on up and moving near my husband’s family, who calls all the time just to visit, checks in on us, and loves us.

They feel like my real family.

I wish that we could move and live near them.

They live in a different  state.

My husband has sacrificed so much on this mission that I have to try to repair my family.

I think I need to stop trying and start worrying about me and my husband and children.

If we move it will be six hours away, and we would have family.

I feel like I really need family right now but mine just isn’t really here.

If we move I will have to find a whole new team of doctors and apply for Medicaid there. I would have to find a new endocrinologist and a new school system for my children. I would have to find a new psychiatrist, a new therapist for myself and two of my children.

I want to move.

It seems so hard.


My “Childhood”

I didn’t really have much of a childhood.

I took care of my siblings, cooked and cleaned. We were often left alone. I was the parent from a young age on.

My parents split when I was twelve. I went to live with my father and visited my mother sometimes and my siblings went back and forth equal times.

My mother couldn’t stand me and every visit would end the same. She would tell me that she hated me and I would be dumped off at my fathers.

At my fathers I was the maid and the cook, the live in nanny for my siblings. I was still alone 90% of the time that my siblings were gone.

I could go anywhere or do anything, I did not have rules, bedtime or a curfew. I wanted structure badly. Excelled in school, and always tried to be the best that I could be.

I was alone craving attention,  affection, love and companionship.

I loved my parents but often felt as though I was their burden.

To my mother I was the reason that she ever stayed with my father and she hated me for it.

To my father I was like a roommate.

I was alone.

At 15 I was kicked out, my mother had married and didn’t have room for me, my father started a serious relationship that led to his marriage and there was not room there either.

I enrolled myself in highschool and maintained perfect attendance and a 4.0 GPA. I loved the positive attention from my teachers.

I worked overnight so that I could sleep in my break room before work and on break. In the mornings I would sleep at school for an hour before it started. I walked everywhere that I went. I was too young to get an apartment so I was homeless.

I did go through a year phase where I started dating and I went threw guys like crazy. I let them use me and in return I’d have a roof over my head. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t think that I would amount to anything.

Then one day I started talking to the man who I am married to.

He changed my whole world. He treated me like a goddess and wanted me for me, not my body or what I could do for him but just for me.

About 8 years ago he changed my world for the better and I am forever grateful.


Our NICU Story Seven Years Ago

Our story is different. Our daughter wasnt premature, she didn’t have any predicted problems and being placed in the NICU was a total surprise.
Our daughter was born in October 2010 and exactly at 10pm. I was induced and in labor for 16 hours. I had her at 41 weeks. It was a vaginal delivery and my first. She was 8lbs 3.5oz. Way bigger than we thought. She was really dark when she arrived. Both my husband and myself are white  with some native american. She had jaundice and a dangerous bilirubin level. Her blood sugars were low and she was sent to the NICU shortly after birth. I had a ton of stitches from an unwanted epiesiotimy and I still spent 95% of my time with her in the nicu. I was discharged after 3 days but my daughter had to stay a whole week in the NICU. We slept there with her. Took turns who slept in the chair and who used the roll out cot. We held her as much as we could. We tried breastfeeding but had to formula supplement to get her sugar level to a normal level. We had amazing nurses and we learned how to weigh each diaper, check temps, and help with everything. We wanted to be included as much as possible. We were so scared because the NICU is for extremely sick babies and we weren’t sure what was really going on, we were only 18 and 19 years old. She was the largest baby in the NICU, the didn’t have any clothes up there that fit her and she was almost too large for the basinett. We had her clothed from day 2 on. We kept dressing her in cute outfits to lift everyone’s spirits. We had no idea what to expect. She was our first. After discharge we still had to go in for blood work 2 or 3 times. She was breastfed for 3 months and eventually switched to formula.  Now she is 7 years old. In February  this year she was diagnosed with type one diabetes we had a two-week hospital stay and learned how to take care of her with diabetes. Other than that she is completely healthy. We have three other children all younger but she was our only NICU baby.

If Somebody Can’t Love You At Your Worst They Do Not Deserve You At Your Best.

Today I feel as though the world is closing in.

My husband will be home soon to help me through this.

I am in major pain.

The most amazing man will be home to take care of me.

My daughter is having crazy blood sugars.

My husband called the doctors for her last night to get her a changed dose.

My anxiety is through the roof, with my daughters blood sugar going all crazy, the school meeting that I have tonight, my volunteer work this weekend.

He must be crazy too because he is helping with it all.

I am going through a “down” period with my bipolar.

He is here with me texting me all day when he can to check on me.

I don’t want to do anything.


He makes me want to do things.

I am really sick, always in pain, overweight, balding, and health-wise nothing is seeming to get better.

He still loves me, tells me that I am beautiful, helps me to the toilet and shower when I need it.

He gets me out of the house on his days off just so that I can have some fresh air.

I love him with all of my heart and soul.

I am so thankful for him.