Expecting The Unexpected

I just found out some terrifying, scary, happy, confusing, worst timing news.

I am pregnant.

completely unexpected.

My husband and I are only “active” every thirty to forty-five days.

I went in to the OBGYN’s office yesterday to get to the bottom of my irregular periods, cystic acne, painful intercourse, facial hair and some other symptoms.

I might have had a hormonal imbalance and needed birth control but the issue is I have a hard time with the only two options that I have for birth control. I can’t have any devices implanted or any IUDs because of the Pyoderma Gangrenousm. The shot and the mini pill turn me into a crazy person. I was ready to beg to get my tubes tied knowing that It might ulcerate out with the Pyoderma.

They did a routine urine sample and everything else.

The urine sample came back pregnant.

I was in complete shock. I started tearing up and since I haven’t been able to stop.

I was done having babies, and my husband and I were in agreement on this.

We are both in a weird happy sad confused state right now.

I have got rid of everything baby related that I had because we were done.

I need to buy everything completely new or find some second-hand options.

I really hope that I am only having one because I only have room in our minivan for one more. So if I am having multiples then we need a bigger van.

We are not sure about how far along I am. I had a blood test and have to have another on Friday to see how far.

I have had some symptoms but all have been easily explainable for possibly other things.

I have been really sick to my stomach but my whole family just had the stomach flu.

I have been really tired but my fibro makes me super tired.

The heartburn has been unbearable lately but I just thought that I was having some weird side effect from one of my many medications.

I was not prepared, I am still processing and I am really worried.

This will be both high risk for both baby and me, labor will be different because of all of my health issues, I am almost guaranteed some bed rest, I have to stop one medication and stop many more over the next few months before they hurt my baby and I have to prepare to have a fifth child.

I know every baby is a blessing, but this is just really bad timing.

I feel like I can only speak to my husband and his side of the family about this because my whole family will flip and talk so much crap and put me down and it sucks.

They will find out eventually when I am huger or come home with a baby but I really don’t want to hear their crap.

I will probably start blogging about pregnancy related things for a while and how my pregnancy goes with my back being broken, my PG, and everything else that is wrong with me.

I have an appointment two hours away tomorrow about my pyoderma so I hope that I will get more answers about how it will affect my pregnancy and unborn child.

Thank you for being here and listing.

Thank you for reading.


My Kids Have So Many Doctors Appointments

So my oldest is diabetic. She goes in every other month for that. She just had her 7 year-old check up and is being refered out to a childrens psychiatrist.

I guess anxiety runs in the family and thats mostlikly why she has problems sleeping.

For me its like my mind can’t turn off.

For her it is pretty much the same.

I am so anxious for this appointment.

Before this she was taking melatonin and got up to 3mg. Which is an adult dose.

Hopefully when we get her anxiety under control she will sleep better. She goes to bed right after her long lasting insullin shot at 7pm and doesn’t fall asleep until around 2am and she has to be up by 6am on school days. She doesn’t nap either.

So hopefully that will help.

Also my youngest has so many appointments but his upcoming one is for speech therapy.

I am so anxious for this, I want to know all that I can to help my 17 month old communicate better.

He used to speak and then he stopped. That is what is so worrying.

With him now being non verbal, having tons of aggression when I don’t  know what he wants, freaking out with sounds, dislikes textures, does NOT like being touched, hates being dirty, and flails his arms while running in a circle before a fit, along with extreme headbutting, we are looking at something in the autism spectrum.

He is a happy boy until he isn’t and then everything goes downhill fast and he hurts himself.

So far he is too young for a definitive diagnosis.

We have found a tap to talk app which helps him communicate when he wants to use it. It helps with the aggression from not being able to communicate but he still has meltdowns when his siblings hug him or family members try to hold him or hug or kiss him, when he gets dirty, when he poops, and other stuff.

Now I’m just waiting for these appointments.

Depression Is A Thief

Depression is a thief,

Depression steals,

Depression takes,

Depression is cruel,

Depression attacks,

Depression steels motivation.

Depression takes minutes, hours, days, nights, years away from us.

Depression is cruel to anyone whom it affects.

Depression attacks everyone it can.

I am fighting depression.

I am getting up out of bed everyday.

I have better security now.

I won’t let it get me.

I will not get my past back.

I will not let my future go to depression.

Depression does not deserve me.

I will come out of it.

I will get better.

I have hope.


My Hidradenitis Suppurativa Is Affecting My Intimacy. It Sucks

I have Hidradenitis Suppurativa.

Sometimes I get massive painful lumps that are usually filled with pus and blood.

Sometimes I get small blister like lumps that are full of pus and blood.

Sometimes I get giant spots where the sites have not surfaced yet that are warm and red.

Sometimes my lumps pop while I move around.

All of the time my spots leave scars.

I already have lines all over my abdomen and back from carrying my children, now I have polka dots added to them.

I hate the way that I look.

My husband says that he does not care, that he loves me for me not what my skin looks like.

He is okay with seeing me naked and having sex.

I am not okay with seeing myself naked. I am so self-conscious that I feel sick at the site of my own body.

I hate this disease and I really want to go into remission completely.

The giant boils are rare now.

I still get the small blister like lumps.

I just want a cure, but that is impossible.

I have tried wearing lingerie but I can’t wear anything too tight because it hurts my skin.

I am at a loss on what to do.

What if we have sex and one bursts on him?

I am constantly worrying about things like that.


Joined Facebook And Twitter


I have made an account on both Twitter and Facebook for my blog. If you want to follow me you can 🙂  Thank you so much for reading and following my story on here.



My Mother

My mother is something else.

She has these thing where the universe revolves around her.

She thinks that, even though I’m an adult, she gets to dictate what I can and can not do.

She thinks that she can speak to me like I’m less than dirt and then all will be forgiven.

I am always the bigger person. I forgive often but it’s getting to the point that I don’t  want to.

I am constantly trying to stay on everyone’s good sides.

I am always the one to step up and fix things.

I am the only one to apologize.

It sucks.

She is sixteen years older than me and I am still more mature.

It has always been that way.

It sucks.

In the past few years I have done enough but kissing to just be around her, to have my children know her.

I have to get along with my mother to see my littlest brother.

I have to suck up to her just for her to see my children.

My kids lack in the grandparent department, my husbands parents passed away a few years ago.

I will have to be the one to say im sorry and I was wrong.

I was not wrong.

I am gaining a voice.

I am growing confidence.

I am standing up for what I feel is right.

I don’t want to give in this time.

What if,

I don’t apologize?

I don’t give in?

Or I stand proud of my decisions?

If i don’t will she shut me out again?

Will she let me see my brother?

Will she want to see my kids?

I hate walking on eggshells for a relationship that only I work for.

I do not have the energy.

I can’t handle the extra stress.

I just hope that my children do not suffer for this.

I can’t take the ongoing emotional abuse.

It makes me feel like I did when I was a child terrified of my mother.

Terrified because when I was a child yelling or her nice fake voice always turned to abuse.

Not punishment, abuse.

All of this happened because my mother went to go see a sick relative. I wanted to drive down with my family to see her and I got yelled at and told that I am so selfish. I actually thunk that she was being selfish for wanting to be the only person there. She said that she would assess the situation and get back to me. She sucks at updates. I had to watch Facebook for a cousin to update on there. My great-aunt whom I am really close to is put under in the hospital and not breathing on her own. I just wanted to see her. I told my mother calmly that I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. I have been making my own decisions since I was 14 and I am now 26, she does not get any say in my decisions.  I am an adult, I am capable of decision-making. If I wasn’t able to make my own decision it would fall to my husband and he wants me to go see my aunt because I would never forgive myself If I didn’t get to see her one last time.

So I Got Sent Home

I was prescribed benedryl and steroids. 

Was told that it looks like an allergic reaction, for the other rash they dont really know if it could be the early stages of it. 

They gave me a list of things to watch for. 

That was three hours ago. Now I am at home trying to sleep and my skin is burning and my throat is really really sore. 

I cant see a doctor again until 3pm tomorrow. We cant afford to have my husband miss more work and I really dont want to wake the kids… 

Just more waiting.